I tried to fight it, but my arms were too weak, my mind to slow, my body just wouldn't respond. So, I gave up and let it be and when I did, it was sooooo good.
We're opposite, but I'm attracted to him on so many levels. Where do I find forgiveness when he hurt so badly? My emotions were crushed and my heart scarred. Then I sat alone in the living room listening to the rain and I remembered those days when we loved each other, held each other, kissed until we were drunk and I couldn't get that off my mind. So, against all judgement, I sent a text.
One simple sentence.
Things changed at the moment.
He was there again - on me, in me, around me - everywhere. I hated myself, but that was torture in itself. What is this chemistry I have with him?
It is beyond description and defies all reason. I don't want to feel this way about him, but I can't help myself. I actually like him, so I want to be with him.
Am I crazy? No. Am I delusional? Maybe. Do I love him? Not the same. Do I still want him? Hell yes.
I know the questions you're asking, but I don't have an answer except being with him is so....
Um, um, um, yummy.
Friday, July 27, 2012
It's a Game of Opposites
I want to let him go but keep him.
I need him but I don’t.
Some days I feel good with him there, other times I wish he weren’t.
Having him around I'm secure and safe yet vulnerable and in harm’s way.
I’m close yet so far away.
Upside down and in and out he turns me. (now I understand that song)
It is but it isn’t.
I’m in a conundrum, but I’m clear of what I know.
The writing is on the wall, but the words are foreign.
When will this roller coaster ever end?
I don’t know, yet I do.
It’s a game of Opposites.
I need him but I don’t.
Some days I feel good with him there, other times I wish he weren’t.
Having him around I'm secure and safe yet vulnerable and in harm’s way.
I’m close yet so far away.
Upside down and in and out he turns me. (now I understand that song)
It is but it isn’t.
I’m in a conundrum, but I’m clear of what I know.
The writing is on the wall, but the words are foreign.
When will this roller coaster ever end?
I don’t know, yet I do.
It’s a game of Opposites.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Let it Ride
I began a journal a few months ago at the behest of one of my co-workers. She had gone through a divorce and suggested I write my feelings down each day. I did, and it was so therapeutic, but then I decided to read back over what I wrote.
So, I journeyed through my thoughts and what I found astonished me. I was the most inconsistent person ever and scattered brain as if I had ADHD. I went from thing to another, from one man to another from one thought to another in a matter of days. I thought I had a handle on my situation, but surmised by my words that I was sadly mistaken.
It was mind blowing to read what I wrote in my journal - I knew then that I had to get a grip and take a reality check.
After 7 1/2 months of living a somewhat "single" life, I can honestly say that I'm not fighting anything any longer. I don't care what people think or feel. I have to deal with my feelings and my thoughts only at this juncture in my life. So, I had to be honest with myself and answer the questions of how I really felt then and feel now. I shocked myself but I learned so much about me - how I handle emotional issues and how I handle people. I've found that you can't take things too seriously and that life has a way of teaching you those important lessons to get you to the next phase.
So, instead of being in a uproar over everything that has happened to me and constantly replaying those negative images in my head, I've decided to chill and let life be. Everything will work out and as always, what's done in the dark will come to light.
He can tell me all day long he loves me, wants to be with me, I'm his world and its not right without me. Those are great words, but time will always tell. I'm good, not mad, not fussing, getting along with him even laughing with him, but I'm also cautious, mindful, and above all finally paying attention.
Life is too short to harbor pain, hate, anger - so instead I'll just chill and....
Let It Ride!!!
So, I journeyed through my thoughts and what I found astonished me. I was the most inconsistent person ever and scattered brain as if I had ADHD. I went from thing to another, from one man to another from one thought to another in a matter of days. I thought I had a handle on my situation, but surmised by my words that I was sadly mistaken.
It was mind blowing to read what I wrote in my journal - I knew then that I had to get a grip and take a reality check.
After 7 1/2 months of living a somewhat "single" life, I can honestly say that I'm not fighting anything any longer. I don't care what people think or feel. I have to deal with my feelings and my thoughts only at this juncture in my life. So, I had to be honest with myself and answer the questions of how I really felt then and feel now. I shocked myself but I learned so much about me - how I handle emotional issues and how I handle people. I've found that you can't take things too seriously and that life has a way of teaching you those important lessons to get you to the next phase.
So, instead of being in a uproar over everything that has happened to me and constantly replaying those negative images in my head, I've decided to chill and let life be. Everything will work out and as always, what's done in the dark will come to light.
He can tell me all day long he loves me, wants to be with me, I'm his world and its not right without me. Those are great words, but time will always tell. I'm good, not mad, not fussing, getting along with him even laughing with him, but I'm also cautious, mindful, and above all finally paying attention.
Life is too short to harbor pain, hate, anger - so instead I'll just chill and....
Let It Ride!!!
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Seat of Melancholy
Today, I'm slightly melancholy. I say slightly because today is a beautiful day, and I'm alive and feeling good about myself. So, I don't feel the sad, depressed melancholy, but more toward the sober, thoughtfulness side of it.
He is the weight. The man I loved for so many years. I've questioned myself everyday for the past few days on how I can be with him, see him, touch him, feel him and laugh with him after all that has happened. My mind plays the last two years of my life with him over and over again. Some things have been resolved, others are still a question mark.
We're getting along now because I've allowed it. I could have stayed angry and hateful and never spoke to him again, but I chose to forgive him and move forward. Thus, the anger I felt only months ago is gone. But, how can I make him understand that I don't feel the same way I used to eventhough I'm not holding a grudge. What words can I use to express that I do enjoy him and want him, but not forever.
He was my everything at one time in my life, and we had so much in common. We laughed at the same things, felt the same about most things, loved to travel, have parties, take walks, play cards, drink, smoke a "black" on occasions and just chill. We teased our kids together and made them laugh often. And in the bedroom, there was always fireworks.
But, with all of that, he still cheated, lied and disrespected me. But, who am I? I'm noone so special to think I could shout out, "How dare he treat me this way?!?!?!?" Did I deserve it? No. But, am I above it? No. So, what's the point in continuing to be angry and holding a grudge. I choose to not be because life is too short, and I want to be happy and carefree and anger just wears you down.
Can I be married to him again and love him the same? I guess I answered that already, but I still desire him and that baffles me. Damn, is sex that powerful?
While I ponder my own actions and feelings, I'll sit in this seat of mechancholy.
He is the weight. The man I loved for so many years. I've questioned myself everyday for the past few days on how I can be with him, see him, touch him, feel him and laugh with him after all that has happened. My mind plays the last two years of my life with him over and over again. Some things have been resolved, others are still a question mark.
We're getting along now because I've allowed it. I could have stayed angry and hateful and never spoke to him again, but I chose to forgive him and move forward. Thus, the anger I felt only months ago is gone. But, how can I make him understand that I don't feel the same way I used to eventhough I'm not holding a grudge. What words can I use to express that I do enjoy him and want him, but not forever.
He was my everything at one time in my life, and we had so much in common. We laughed at the same things, felt the same about most things, loved to travel, have parties, take walks, play cards, drink, smoke a "black" on occasions and just chill. We teased our kids together and made them laugh often. And in the bedroom, there was always fireworks.
But, with all of that, he still cheated, lied and disrespected me. But, who am I? I'm noone so special to think I could shout out, "How dare he treat me this way?!?!?!?" Did I deserve it? No. But, am I above it? No. So, what's the point in continuing to be angry and holding a grudge. I choose to not be because life is too short, and I want to be happy and carefree and anger just wears you down.
Can I be married to him again and love him the same? I guess I answered that already, but I still desire him and that baffles me. Damn, is sex that powerful?
While I ponder my own actions and feelings, I'll sit in this seat of mechancholy.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I Care....Eventhough It Hurts
I was never the type of girl to fall "head over heels" in love. Sex with passion was one thing, and sex with love was another in my opinion. So, when it happened - when I actually fell in love - I enjoyed loving someone and having that same someone love me back. The feeling was beyond description and nothing else in the world mattered but being in his presence.
This love thing was new to me. It was like I was wrapped in a cocoon and whatever was going on outside didn't touch me. What was going on around me (the bills, work, trials of life) simply didn't matter.
I smiled everyday and there was a pep in my step. Those around me saw it - some smiled, some were jealous cause they wish they had it.
It was funny how I would turn in one direction and there he would appear. Oh, my love I would whisper to myself.
I wore him like the finest clothes, I basked in his warmth and snuggled in his softness.
That was me - THEN. I was so in love with him and so in tune that when he breathed out - I breathed in. I spoke what was on his mind before he said it as if I could hear it in my own.
His kisses were like fire and his touch blazed me. I couldn't wait to see him. Work got in the way, travel got in the way, I just wanted to be with him, hold him, kiss him, love him.
Ah, but it didn't last. He proved to be someone I never knew. Our love was a lie. I thought he loved me the same way, but he didn't - he couldn't. As much as he wanted to, he was hindered from it. His struggles, his fears were the hindrance and there was nothing I could do to help him.
He lied to me, cheated on me and lied to me again. He wouldn’t admit his wrongs, even when caught, and generalized his indiscretions instead. I cried everyday and mourned every night because I thought I was not enough for him. I gave him everything, I argued with myself. But something happened. I became tired of crying – tired of laying on my couch in a fetal position while tears soaked the pillow.
So I left.
Now, he wants me back. Now, he realizes that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he should have never made the mistakes he did. Do I take him back or let him learn the lessons he needs to? Am I in the way of his growth? I don't want to see him fall - I honestly want him to conquer his fears and succeed.
He told me he loved me, but then he cheated and he lied. Can I trust him again? He broke up our family, but he wants to make amends. Do I trust his word?
A part of me really wants him to be the man I thought he was. We had so much in common and the chemistry between us was off the charts. It hurt me to give that up, and I fear that I won’t find that again. I just wanted him to be honest, but not sure he can ever be.
I ask myself time and time again, “why am I toiling over this?” If you knew the entire story, you would ask me the same question. But then I recognized something and that awareness shocked my entire being. I hate to even admit it, but….
I Care Eventhough It Hurts!
This love thing was new to me. It was like I was wrapped in a cocoon and whatever was going on outside didn't touch me. What was going on around me (the bills, work, trials of life) simply didn't matter.
I smiled everyday and there was a pep in my step. Those around me saw it - some smiled, some were jealous cause they wish they had it.
It was funny how I would turn in one direction and there he would appear. Oh, my love I would whisper to myself.
I wore him like the finest clothes, I basked in his warmth and snuggled in his softness.
That was me - THEN. I was so in love with him and so in tune that when he breathed out - I breathed in. I spoke what was on his mind before he said it as if I could hear it in my own.
His kisses were like fire and his touch blazed me. I couldn't wait to see him. Work got in the way, travel got in the way, I just wanted to be with him, hold him, kiss him, love him.
Ah, but it didn't last. He proved to be someone I never knew. Our love was a lie. I thought he loved me the same way, but he didn't - he couldn't. As much as he wanted to, he was hindered from it. His struggles, his fears were the hindrance and there was nothing I could do to help him.
He lied to me, cheated on me and lied to me again. He wouldn’t admit his wrongs, even when caught, and generalized his indiscretions instead. I cried everyday and mourned every night because I thought I was not enough for him. I gave him everything, I argued with myself. But something happened. I became tired of crying – tired of laying on my couch in a fetal position while tears soaked the pillow.
So I left.
Now, he wants me back. Now, he realizes that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he should have never made the mistakes he did. Do I take him back or let him learn the lessons he needs to? Am I in the way of his growth? I don't want to see him fall - I honestly want him to conquer his fears and succeed.
He told me he loved me, but then he cheated and he lied. Can I trust him again? He broke up our family, but he wants to make amends. Do I trust his word?
A part of me really wants him to be the man I thought he was. We had so much in common and the chemistry between us was off the charts. It hurt me to give that up, and I fear that I won’t find that again. I just wanted him to be honest, but not sure he can ever be.
I ask myself time and time again, “why am I toiling over this?” If you knew the entire story, you would ask me the same question. But then I recognized something and that awareness shocked my entire being. I hate to even admit it, but….
I Care Eventhough It Hurts!
Lately, I've been feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I’ve been stressed because I have so much to do and I can't seem to get under it all. Money is the key for everything I have to accomplish in the next few days, and I feel overwhelmed.
But, I’m learning to handle what is in my control and wait for things to work out that are not in my ability to fix right now. This allows me to let go and live. Some things are not that serious and if I just wait it out, everything will work out fine.
So, how do I feel today?
I feel loved, cared for by my family and friends that have become family. I feel alive and invigorated and I especially feel excited of the new things that are happening in my life.
Trials come and go, but having life and being grateful for it is priceless.
So, do I feel a little sad when I don’t have the money I want to take care of things, yes, but am I going to keep worrying about, hell no.
I’ve been around a long time and I’ve always seen things work out. For that I’m grateful.
So, how do I feel today?
I feel grateful for another day, the universe, my health, strength, family, friends, love, falling in love, being mobile, having vision, beautiful smells, delicious food, all living creatures, love making, kissing, and being ALIVE.
But, I’m learning to handle what is in my control and wait for things to work out that are not in my ability to fix right now. This allows me to let go and live. Some things are not that serious and if I just wait it out, everything will work out fine.
So, how do I feel today?
I feel loved, cared for by my family and friends that have become family. I feel alive and invigorated and I especially feel excited of the new things that are happening in my life.
Trials come and go, but having life and being grateful for it is priceless.
So, do I feel a little sad when I don’t have the money I want to take care of things, yes, but am I going to keep worrying about, hell no.
I’ve been around a long time and I’ve always seen things work out. For that I’m grateful.
So, how do I feel today?
I feel grateful for another day, the universe, my health, strength, family, friends, love, falling in love, being mobile, having vision, beautiful smells, delicious food, all living creatures, love making, kissing, and being ALIVE.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)