I Care....Eventhough It Hurts

I was never the type of girl to fall "head over heels" in love.  Sex with passion was one thing, and sex with love was another in my opinion.  So, when it happened - when I actually fell in love - I enjoyed loving someone and having that same someone love me back.  The feeling was beyond description and nothing else in the world mattered but being in his presence.

This love thing was new to me.  It was like I was wrapped in a cocoon and whatever was going on outside didn't touch me.  What was going on around me (the bills, work, trials of life) simply didn't matter. 

I smiled everyday and there was a pep in my step.  Those around me saw it - some smiled, some were jealous cause they wish they had it. 

It was funny how I would turn in one direction and there he would appear.  Oh, my love I would whisper to myself.

I wore him like the finest clothes, I basked in his warmth and snuggled in his softness.

That was me - THEN.  I was so in love with him and so in tune that when he breathed out - I breathed in.  I spoke what was on his mind before he said it as if I could hear it in my own. 

His kisses were like fire and his touch blazed me.  I couldn't wait to see him.  Work got in the way, travel got in the way, I just wanted to be with him, hold him, kiss him, love him.

Ah, but it didn't last.  He proved to be someone I never knew.  Our love was a lie.  I thought he loved me the same way, but he didn't - he couldn't.  As much as he wanted to, he was hindered from it.  His struggles, his fears were the hindrance and there was nothing I could do to help him. 

He lied to me, cheated on me and lied to me again.  He wouldn’t admit his wrongs, even when caught, and generalized his indiscretions instead.  I cried everyday and mourned every night because I thought I was not enough for him.  I gave him everything, I argued with myself.  But something happened.  I became tired of crying – tired of laying on my couch in a fetal position while tears soaked the pillow. 

So I left.

Now, he wants me back.  Now, he realizes that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he should have never made the mistakes he did.  Do I take him back or let him learn the lessons he needs to?  Am I in the way of his growth?  I don't want to see him fall - I honestly want him to conquer his fears and succeed. 

He told me he loved me, but then he cheated and he lied.  Can I trust him again?  He broke up our family, but he wants to make amends.  Do I trust his word?

A part of me really wants him to be the man I thought he was.  We had so much in common and the chemistry between us was off the charts.  It hurt me to give that up, and I fear that I won’t find that again.  I just wanted him to be honest, but not sure he can ever be.

I ask myself time and time again, “why am I toiling over this?”  If you knew the entire story, you would ask me the same question.  But then I recognized something and that awareness shocked my entire being.  I hate to even admit it, but….

I Care Eventhough It Hurts!