Today, I'm slightly melancholy. I say slightly because today is a beautiful day, and I'm alive and feeling good about myself. So, I don't feel the sad, depressed melancholy, but more toward the sober, thoughtfulness side of it.
He is the weight. The man I loved for so many years. I've questioned myself everyday for the past few days on how I can be with him, see him, touch him, feel him and laugh with him after all that has happened. My mind plays the last two years of my life with him over and over again. Some things have been resolved, others are still a question mark.
We're getting along now because I've allowed it. I could have stayed angry and hateful and never spoke to him again, but I chose to forgive him and move forward. Thus, the anger I felt only months ago is gone. But, how can I make him understand that I don't feel the same way I used to eventhough I'm not holding a grudge. What words can I use to express that I do enjoy him and want him, but not forever.
He was my everything at one time in my life, and we had so much in common. We laughed at the same things, felt the same about most things, loved to travel, have parties, take walks, play cards, drink, smoke a "black" on occasions and just chill. We teased our kids together and made them laugh often. And in the bedroom, there was always fireworks.
But, with all of that, he still cheated, lied and disrespected me. But, who am I? I'm noone so special to think I could shout out, "How dare he treat me this way?!?!?!?" Did I deserve it? No. But, am I above it? No. So, what's the point in continuing to be angry and holding a grudge. I choose to not be because life is too short, and I want to be happy and carefree and anger just wears you down.
Can I be married to him again and love him the same? I guess I answered that already, but I still desire him and that baffles me. Damn, is sex that powerful?
While I ponder my own actions and feelings, I'll sit in this seat of mechancholy.
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